Dateline:  Western Mountain Maryland: Two New Proclamations From Our Governor’s Office, or Musings on weather, the environment, and the economy.

In a fashion similar to a press release from the Governor’s office on February 12th, it is announced: Governor O’Malley Extends Winter Through Sunday, June 19th.  Spring will be foreshortened and will only last from June 20th to June 21st, at which time Summer will be ushered in.

Garrett County dwellers do not have to be convinced of this latest decree, as they are well accustomed to the harsh and protracted rowdiness of Winter.

“In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
Snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow.”

And one may have the inclination to add the line: Ever more snow piled on ever more snow.

Those quoted words by Christian Rossetti from many years ago still ring true in mountain Maryland this season.  Depending on one’s perspective, our winter weather may be considered brutal, or beautiful.  Most of the conversations that one hears these days is of the complaining variety, and given the disruptions to most lives, it is easy to understand why.

Witness yet another typical three-dog eve along the byways near New Germany State Park: it’s 5 PM on Tuesday and the clouds are yet again dumping their moisture while the winds are howling with their frigid breath.  Gradations of white through dark gray are the only colors that imprint on your retinas at this time of year.  The highways are passable, but only with the caution and skill that have been acquired from past maneuvering on the slickery surfaces:

Though there may be asphalt visible on the roads in Allegany County, the sheer mass of snowfall makes for an awesome mental image.  You might at first be fooled into thinking that the Roads Department has erected white concrete barriers to hold back the snow from the street, but that is only on an initial skewed glance.  Snow-walls they are, created by snow-removal machines, and some day, hopefully before July 4th, they will melt, at which time the gushing will begin.

The quantity of water that will result with the conversion of solid to liquid is obviously going to be a phenomenal amount.  And to where does this Niagara of melted snow go?  From Allegany County, the deluge of water will be carried into a sewer system that unfortunately is not capable of handling such humongous volumes.  As a result, there will be an overflow of Olympic proportions of both blizzard storm-water and raw sewage.  Snowflakes transformed and shit, combined, leaving the sewer system to run into creeks and streams, eventually depositing in the Chesapeake Bay.  Let’s drink a toast to the health of the good ‘ole Bay, but just be sure you’re not drinking Allegany County crick water, for I don’t want to be seeing you in the ER.

Allegany County’s ancient system was designed so that storm water and sewer water are carried in the same pipes, with the storm water used to flush the sewage down the pipes.  All is well until the amount of storm water overwhelms the system, and then the combination of water and poop overflow into our waterways.  In Maryland, Allegany County has the dubious distinction of being the number one "number two" polluter of all the twenty-three counties: in 2008, there were at least 314 million gallons of this brown, fetid gunk poured into our Bay tributaries, and for this year I would lay high odds on a record volume that our winters’ storms will be sending downstream.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lest you be dismayed by the first announcement, ponder the second:

Having recently extended Valentine’s Day for an extra week, the Governor is proud to announce that in an analogous manner, Easter this year will be continued until one of the following occur: all of the chocolate bunnies in the country are purchased and consumed; more money is spent on Easter items than what was racked up on Valentine’s Day; or The Rapture is culminated.  With no malice intended to the Christian community, he wants the people of Maryland to know that his office is in favor of the second option, as it will be the most beneficial in raising revenue and relieving the current fiscal crisis in which our government is mired.

So gather up your wallets and purses and get out there in the spirit of Easter in Maryland.  Shop till you drop, as you will be doing the Guv a favor by helping to resurrect the moribund economy.