Dateline:  Washington, D. C.

Strolling down the sidewalk on C St. in Washington, D.C.  a person  perambulating the neighborhood of the U.S. Capitol and Library of Congress would not pay much atttention to this unobtrusive, yet stately, red-brick Greek revival townhouse at 133 S.E.  There is an American flag displayed outside, a good sign that its inhabitants are patriotic, and beneath a marble cornice is a green door.  Let me fill you in on what is going on Behind the Green Door, for it would make even Marilyn Chambers blush, and that is no easy trick.

I am here to introduce you, Dear Readers, to the exclusive agent for Onward Christian Soldiers Realty, for he would like to follow in the fundamentalist Fellowship footsteps, and bring the Chosen, along with their political power and goal of advancing the Kingdom, to our mountain Maryland.

So exactly who are these Chosen to whom I refer?  None other than past or present members of Congress; namely, Senator John Ensign, ex-Congressman Charles Pickering, Jr., and ex-Congressman/current Governor of S.C.  Mark Sanford.  These up-standing, moral leaders of our country are Christians one and all, living and/or gathering in the house on C St. to pray and bond in the principles of the Fellowship, with a little hanky-panky thrown in on the side.

As noted by ex-felon Watergate “hatchet man,” the prison-converted Christian Chuck Colson, the Fellowship, or Family, is “a veritable underground of Christian men all through governement.”  The group was started by a minister some seventy years ago after being visited by God.    Disciples of the Family are reportedly chosen by Christ with the express purpose of saving our nation, and after reading of their origins, I find it compelling to fully endorse the theology of the organization.   How could anyone who is a true Christian have the slightest doubt as to the veracity of their faith when one understands that the founding minister was contacted by God way back in 1935?  Well, maybe not actually God personally, but the Heavenly Father in the form of the CEO of U.S. Steel.   I know that may sound just a tad strange or maybe flat-out wacky and ludicrous to non-believers, but belive-you-me, it was the real McCoy.  Americans were warned at that time of the influence of the Devil on FDR in bringing creeping socialism to our country, and what do you suppose happended?  God punished us with the Great Depression.  The same concerns hold true today with our current President, who is a Muslim and was not even born in this country.  As a result,  we in Allegany County are right with you Family members in the knowledge that God works through His Chosen and that our purpose is to advance the Kingdom, naturally through the invisible hand of the free market, along with a hefty dose of Godly guidance.

But misfortune sometimes falls on even the reverent, and while we may reside in the hinterlands of Allegany County, we are all aware of the trials and tribulations that have transpired at your D.C. residence, mostly likely initiated by the pinko-liberal rags known as The Washington Post and New York Times.  The three of you will be comforted to know that all is forgiven, for your mission of thwarting the godless Democratic Party and bringing glory to family values is one and the same with our bed-rock fundamentalists whose beliefs are set in stone here in western Maryland.

So please allow me to introduce to you one of our realtors here in Cumberland, Mr. Christian Divine, who certainly feels like one of the chosen, as he has been in the uber-million-dollar realty club for many years, without question due to the direct intervention of The Almighty.  As we all know, he who prays receives His blessings. Our faithful salesman is in a position to unburden you of all your woes and to set you free to do God’s work.  With no further ado, the venerable Mr. Divine:

“Hey guys! A heartfelt hello and ‘Praise the Lord’ to each of you.   I have a reputation here in western Maryland for matching people with their ideal homes and would like to inform you that you have been chosen by the Onward Christian Soldiers Realty Company for consideration of a fantastic deal on a domicile here in Cumberland.  I am aware that your residence on C Street in Washington has come under a great deal of scrutiny and controversy in the recent past and that you will presumably be looking for new digs.”

“Well, look no further, as I have just the deal for you.”

“I realize that choosing you folks for this offer pales against your being chosen by Christ as part of ‘The Family, but I think you will find there are many advantages to having a pad distant from peering eyes.”

“Tucked in a square just behind the county library, your new home located at 15 Prospect Square would have a myriad of benefits, including the 'friends with benefits' variety, wink, wink.   There is very little traffic, foot or auto, and you would immediately feel  like you have found a safe harbor, away from the nosey surveillance of those inside-the-Beltway secular liberals.  Not only would you be surrounded by like-minded true-believers, the architecture of my offering  has a remarkable resemblance to your current House of Worship in Washington, D.C, as the enclosed pictures reveal.

133 C Street                             15 Prospect Square

“Darnation!  Did I transgress just a minute ago and utter the word secular?  My most pious apologies for falling from grace and offending you with that Satanic word that should not be spoken nor seen here in the Queen City, as decreed by our oh-so-Christian County Commissioners.   Given that one of the members of your Fellowship, who happens to double as a Congressman, is a vociferous proponent of placing Ten Commandments monuments in public places, it is with much pleasure that I can inform you of the opportunity to commingle on the bench situated next to our very own Big 10, where you could sit and, at your leisure, plot, scheme, and pray on how to thwart the socialism that is creeping to Gomorrha, even now as you hear about my real estate offering.  Gentlemen, there is no time to delay.  We need you right now, right here in Allegany County, to help us keep the clock rolled back to 1954.  We in western Maryland are  with you in the knowledge that God works through His Chosen and that we are dependent on each and every one of our fundamentalist Christian politicans to lead us out of the abyss and to advance the Kingdom.  There is absolutely no doubt in our minds that our All-Knowing and All-Powerful God will be unswerveringly dedicated in continuing to dispense His traits onto the Chosen.”

“To each of you who has been annointed as one of the Chosen, I would like to point out some of the blessings that come with living in our neighborhood.”

“Governor Sanford, as the man who has embodied the words penned by Andrew Lloyd Webber, ‘So I chose freedom/Running around, trying everything new,’ I know that you did not actually live in the C Street house.  But as a previous member of Congress and devout Christian, you frequented the premises on many occasions so as to receive Christian counselling and to bond through prayer in deliberating on your many escapades and trysts with your Argentine concubine and soul-mate.   Living on Prospect Square, you would have the distinct advantage that whenyou informed people that you had been unaccounted for due to a hiking jaunt, the truth would be evident to all:  our Rails-to-Trails is just a hop, skip, and jump away from what would be your front door, as thus you could verily say unto the doubters and not raise the slightest scintilla of suspicion.”

“Senator Ensign, given that you are the beneficiary of untold wealth from gambling and casinos, those most holy of enterprises, you will be pleased to know that you would have a golden opportunity to invest your money by bidding for a slot machine franchise that has been approved for our nearby Rocky Gap State Park.  You would be welcomed with open arms by our Christian community, with no concerns as to the source of your money, for you would assuredly be present at our own local National Day of Prayer breakfast.  How could it be otherwise when that event is sponorsed by the rumoured owners of your present dwelling?”

“Mr. Pickering, I know that you have been accused by your wife of shacking up with your mistress in the house on C Street, but have no fear about any such dickering here in Cumberland, as we will gladly turn a blind eye.   We care not a twit that as a Congressman your skin-to-skin dalliances with your paramour were later traded in for a different type of buddy-buddy connection as a handsomely-paid lobbyist in the same tele-communications industry of her employ.”

“Guys, I do have one disappointing bit of news for you, however.  The house on Prospect Square cannot be sold to you of the Chosen as a House of God.  Somehow it seemed perfectly logical to me that if I followed in the path of Jesus and the Family, I would be able to get the same tax breaks for you, but lo and behold, I have come up with nothing but blanks in trying to determine how your Fellowship was able to finagle the holy hoax.   Even those far-leftie newspapers in your Capitol city have not been able to find out who truly owns the building, for I was so anxious to get in touch with them in order to receive couselling on setting up a similar tax-dodge.  For what else could be of more importance to the three of you true-red Republicans than cutting taxes on those who can most afford them?”

“And don’t you fret in the least as to how others feel about your peccadillos in matters of sexual affairs.  You are otherwise the utmost upholders of our laws, and I am very confident that all of you complied down to the letter of our civil covenants while living in your house that was exempt from paying D.C. property taxes. Since the Fellowship is a religous orgnaization, I'm sure that you were also fully aware of the reduction in federal taxes under 501(c)(3) regulations, whereby those benefitting from the tax breaks are forbidden from trying to influence legislation, and that you fully complied with that caveat.  How could it not be so, when the three of you are most definitely Chosen men of God, trustworthy in His name, and only secondarily men of government.”

“Here in Cumberland, you can rest assured, what goes on behind closed doors is nobody’s business but yours' and God’s.   I cordially extend an invitation to c’mon up to Cumberland and consider a House that faces the Rising Sun.  Rid your minds of those ill-tempered  words written by blasphemous journalists who have strived to bring shame to your C Street abode:  Bordello,  House of Ill Repute, Congressional Cathouse.   You will not be castigated in such a manner here in God’s country.”

“So don’t delay, head north out of interstate 270, and thence due west on interstate 70.  We’ll leave a red light on for youse guys.”