Carpenters In The Forehead/ Reducing State Government Deficits:  A Novel Approach

Dateline:  State Capitol, Salt Lake City, Utah

A press release from the state government of Utah, with endorsement by the NRA and the LDS Church (or should we say the LSD Church, given the hallucinatory experiences of the founder Joseph Smith?) was recently intercepted in cyberspace by yours truly, and I would like to be the first to fill you in, Dear Readers, on how this Far West, Far Right state is coming to grips with the mounting deficits that seem to be plaguing all 50 of our country’s capitols.  You can tell everyone that you read it first here in Appindie.

Utah is going to wipe out essentially all of their government red ink with a different type of red:  that of the viscous, life-sustaining variety called blood.  I think you will all agree that this plan to be described is a demonstration of entrepreneurship at its finest hour, and that it will re-establish one or more of the great traditions that have been oh-so-popular throughout the history of Western civilization, and as a result,  the money will start flowing, ka-ching, into the coffers of the Utah state treasury.

I refer, of course, to executions.  Here in the United States, we hold out as one of the so-called developed nations of the world that still sanctions government killing of its citizens.  Proudly joining us in this inner circle of distinction are China, Iran, Iraq, among others, and like our friends-in-punishment, we are always rarin’ to extract the ultimate pay-back.

In case you aren’t aware, a prisoner in Utah who had been convicted of murder was recently executed.   Besides being one of the states that permits executions, Utah has a rather unique feature:  the prisoner is given a choice as to how he is killed.  Most states go exclusively with the injection of heart-stopping IV drugs, but out in the land of many Mormons, you can stand before a firing squad, and that’s exactly what their last executed now-dead man chose.

The overwhelming public approval of such a Christian event was fueled with retribution by the “twitter” sent out at the moment of death by the Utah State Attorney General, and among the lawmakers clamoring to get even are a group who have figured out a way to get their revenge and to make a bucket of money for the state at the same time.

Beginning this coming fiscal year, the state of Utah will be holding a lottery, open to all of our national citizenry, to pick those who will be manning the guns at the next firing squad execution.  Applications will be permitted from any municipality in the entire country, and with the unwavering backing of the NRA, it is anticipated that the fees generated in the process of choosing the lucky ones who will be pulling the triggers will be more than enough to wipe out the entire state debt.  Rather than having a piddly number of marksmen do the job, it is anticipated that many dozens of positions in many rows can be auctioned, and that hundreds of thousands of good folks with guns will be signing up for the chance to come out blasting.

The opportunity for making blood money will certainly not stop there.  Plans are in store to make the executions totally public and to charge a hefty admission, as state psychologists have reassured Utah legislators that it will have a positive cathartic effect on the minds of a populous that will most likely see the spectacle as nothing more than another variety of a reality show.  In fact, going public means that the executions will be forthwith staged in coliseums, the only venues large enough to accommodate the likely demand for tickets.  No camping out at the gates the night before tickets go on sale will be permitted, however, and this rule will be strictly enforced, for the proper people of Utah certainly don't want to be accused of  a lack of decorum.

The legislature has also very wisely extended the list of choices for a prisoner when it comes down to that fateful moment.  Reaching back to days of yore, and thinking ahead to the modern-day crowds that will throng to watch a good-old-fashioned lethal punishment, it is hoped that the vile criminals will be considerate enough to rotate their method of death, as the viewing audience is anticipated to have a desire for cheering on all modes of ending someone's life, whether they be hanged, drawn and quartered, beheaded, boiled in oil, or my own personal favorites, burned at the stake or stoned to death.  Not yet on the list, but sure to come in the near future, would be the opportunity to battle against Gladiators or to fight to the end with a pack of hungry jackels.  So many grisly choices from which to select, and all of them virtually guaranteed to bring in big bucks.

A final means of pumping up the revenue will be to sell exclusive rights to twitter at the happenings.  Contests will be held (obviously there will a stiff entry fee) to determine which 180 character or less entry is deemed to most aptly describe the extravaganzas.  Winners will be featured prominently in Utah’s state travel brochures.

It goes without saying that other states with the death penalty will be watching closely to see how much revenue is generated for the Utah treasury by this auspicious plan.  As with the flourishing of monetary lotteries, death lotteries are bound to multiply and thrive, and the competition is going to become heated.  And just think, with Maryland’s Death Row coming to our neighborhood in short order, the economic multiplier effect will be bound to bring much joy and prosperity to our struggling population.

So let us pray with the Mormons that this endeavor by Utah will be an economic success, and that we here in Maryland may soon be able to replicate the concept of public executions:  for a price, and at a price, naturally.