Carpenters In The Forehead/ The Flow Of Money

“Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.”  George Washington

Hey Abdul!  Get over here, and right now.   Do I have some fantastic news for you!

Yes, it’s me, Bahiy Udeen, and they don’t call me the Bringer of Glad Tidings for nothing, my man; no siree!  I bring to you the happiest of glad tidings on this day of many blessings.

Good news abounds for those of us who make an honorable living by being a broker for the common man, those poor souls who are faced on a daily basis with the unfortunate circumstance of needing to grease someone’s palm.  Look, we all know good and well that our society and culture functions solely on the basis of baksheesh, and I do mean bribes.  Without them nothing would get done, and certainly nothing would get done for those who have no political power or connections.

That’s where you and I come in, Abdul, for we have been given a Get Out of Jail Free card from those dimwit Yankees and NGOs.  They all know that the entire public sector of our poor nation is on the take, has been, and always will be, so why get so hot and heavy with the recent crackdown on corruption?

Who are the real dummies here?   Do they think that we were not already acutely aware of the results of that big, fancy report from the UN, even before it was published?  You know, the one with the stupidly obvious title, “Corruption in Afghanistan; Bribery as reported by the victims.”   Don't they realize how many years we have been on the hit parade list, in the top five, mind you,  for countries ranked for corruption?

So what’s the big deal?  In the last year, over half the people in this country had to pay off a public official, and that included payola to cops, judges, security men, doctors, and anyone working in a government office that could help people avoid fines or make their lives easier.  Dude, I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t refer to the folks puttin' out the money as victims:  they need something, moola is exchanged, and voila, they get what they need.  Services are provided, needs are met.  Basically what we're talking here is a little hidden tax on government services.  The Americans have their taxes; we have ours.

Do these people from foreign lands, these Infidels in our country, not know what bribes mean to our economic well-being?  To the tune of $2.5 billion dollars changing hands under the table in the past year, this is a phenomenal 23% of our gross national product we’re talking about, and it goes a heck of a long way, praise Allah, to supplementing those notoriously paltry government salaries.  You want to put a screeching halt to the functioning of our society?  Go ahead, clamp down on bribes, and watch the chaos that will ensue.

In a similar numerical fashion, the illicit drug trade fueled by those easy-to-grow-in-arid-lands poppies account for another 25% of our GNP, and anyone of a mind to eliminate the one-two punch of bribes and drugs is going to literally wipe out half of the economic output of our country.  It just ain’t going to happen in our lifetimes, and don’t hold your breath waiting for it ever to happen.

While people in their far-away, fat-cat country may go to jail for offering or accepting a bribe, here in our neck of the woods, it is simply our traditional way of life, as it has been for as long as I can remember, even as long as my father's father can remember.  If they think for a nanosecond that their so-called "nation-building" is going to erase centruries of habit, let them think it to their heart's content, but unless those interlopers plan on staying around forever and a day, we're not about to change our ways.

But Abdul, what makes me so happy on this early September day, when the air is crisp in the mountains, is the news from Washington.  You and I and all the rest can continue to take our gratuities and not have to be in a state of constant vigilance, always looking behind our backs for the long arm of the law!  For now corruption is officially decreed to be acceptable…… as long as it is done in moderation.

I kid you not!  It has been reported in the Washington Post that their State Department folks have thrown in the towel and have finally come to their senses and hit the nail on the head with the recognition that “it is a mafia, criminal syndicate problem.”  And we’re not talking peanuts, small-change stuff; this is a major-money issue.  I repeat, two and a half billion dollars in the one year!

But alas, even Infidels sometimes come to their senses, and this is where we get off the hook, for it has been stated in that same pagan pulp newspaper that henceforth the operative phrase is to be, paraphrased, “Just look the other way,” or “Turn a blind eye.”  In other words, in their minds things will get better for their occupation of our country by, and I quote to you from that rag of a tabloid Post, “allowing some graft among Afghan power brokers on the condition that they agree to limit their take and moderate predatory activities.”

Can you believe your ears?  For those of us toiling in the service of President Karzai, this is what Americans might refer to as a real bonanza!  No more do we have to fret about being thrown into the hoosegow, for all we have to do is not be overly greedy, to limit our cut of the pie.  Of course, there is no mention as to what constitutes a limit, so we will naturally decide this for ourselves.  Oh my!  Pie in the sky!

So go forth, Abdul, and be sure to keep your hand opened and palm turned upward toward Allah, ever ready for the cash-cow flow from heaven and our citizens, complete with the United States government good-housekeeping stamp of approval.  Hey, I don’t even need to mention the blessing from our own government, for as everyone is aware, this is already our way of life.  The only difference between us little guys sitting in the cubicles and the big honchos in the palaces is the size of the bribe.  They still demand and receive the big bucks, but at least we snag enough to get by.

Bribes and drugs.  One-half of our economy, and those English-speaking invaders want us to get rid of both of them.  Go figure, but I'd rather eat camel-dung than bow to the demands of the Satan-worshipers.

Praise be to Allah, and let the money flow freely.

“'Tis pleasant purchasing our fellow-creatures;

And all are to be sold, if you consider
Their passions, and are dext'rous; some by features
Are brought up, others by a warlike leader;
Some by a place--as tend their years or natures;
The most by ready cash--but all have prices,
From crowns to kicks, according to their vices.”
Lord Byron