Holy Cow Stem Cells & Hindu Corpses - sinking one's teeth into India

Hello to everyone in Cloud Cuckoo Land:

('cloud cuckoo land' was the term coined by the Russian futurist poet Mayakovsky to describe reality once Stalin took over - it's the term I use to describe EVERYTHING I see and hear these days!)

Tomiyo and I are sitting in cold, foggy New Delhi, undergoing our first 'nordic desert' experience.  The temperature in northern India is moderate by North Americans standards, but seeing everyone bundled up with ear-flapping headgear and sarees covered with quilted down coats, makes one wonder if they had landed in Toronto or maybe Winnepeg or maybe the North Pole.  Indian men have the habit of wrapping their heads with scarves so they end up looking like eastern European 'babushkas', and one can never get used to seeing the latest sneakers peaking out from beneath the ladies silk sarees.  It is all a kind of cultural mis-under-standing between fabrics on an international level.  The Western equivalent might be to see housewives wearing cowboy boots and pearls to the beach, with the men wearing water wings over their London Fog raincoats.

After sitting on the runway at Indira Gandhi Airport waiting for the vehicle to escort our Qatar Airlines plane (no it isn't pronounced 'gutter'), for one hour, we finally made it uneventfully thru Indian immigration and customs.  We just scored 10-year tourist visas to India, so I wasn't sweating anything!  Behind us in line were an Indian couple from my home town of Calgary, Alberta, Canada, who had migrated there from South Africa ('when the Africans took over' - whatever that means!).  They were in an agitated state since they had never been to India before.  Just for fun (and to keep myself awake at 4:30 am in the morning!), I did my utmost to increase their anxiety as to what lay ahead for them on their maiden voyage thru the country of their forefathers.  They kept complaining about the line not moving quickly enough, and I assured them that 'this isn't so bad' compared to some of the experiences Tomiyo and I have had on past trips to India.  The couple were also freaking out about not seeing their name being held up by a guide or taxi driver.  They did eventually find their guide after I told them about our first trip to India in 1986 and our shock at encountering acres of abandoned luggage in the old airport when we landed.  As an 'old India hand', it is always fun to help newcomers acclimatize themselves to a 'foreign' culture and show them the ropes.  Usually truth is much wilder than anything you can make up!  They will find this out for themselves, if they ever depart from the security blanket of their tour group.

On our last trip here for 3 months in the spring of 2009, Tomiyo and I had work done by our friend's Indian dentist and his son.  Both the father and son were trained in the US and Great Britain, and upon seeing that they did teeth transplants, I decided to explore the possibility of getting some - just for the heck of it.  After emails back and forth over the past several months, since we arrived last Thursday, I have had a couple of colorful head scans (they did find a brain in there, althought the capacity has yet to be determined!), using the latest hi-tech Siemans equipment.  Later, I was sent to a clinic where they pulled blood.  While several vials were being filled and as I watched my life dripping away, I told the young female technicians that there must be some mistake since in the West my blood is always blue.  Their faces showed a brief moment of astonishment, but then the burst into laughter.

The dentist later told me that for a 68 year old, my blood analysis said that I was a 'a remarkably healthy specimen', and that most Indians of my age display diabetic characteristics (apparently, it is a genetic disposition which has science has not explained).  Indians love sweets but 'everybody' having diabetes pretty extreme.  You do see signs for diabetic clinics everywhere.  With the rise in obesity in the US, we could use some ourselves!  In fact, at a recent symposium on diabetes in New Delhi, 50 doctors out of 1500 were diabetics themselves.  Physician heal thyself!  I also read today that there has been a rise in suicides in India this past year with 1 million registered and 4 times that amount believed to go unreported.  Most were of young rising professionals between 24-40 and the reason given was stress.  It appears that you have to sweat to become a Mahatma, or an IT engineer, or a call center worker in modern India!  Otherwise, it's back to the village for you Raju and Rada!

In any event, we sat down for a diagnosis and the young dentist informed me that the procedure for 5 lower transplants will proceed over the course of a month, and that since he has only done 100 transplants, he is passing me off to an older, 'brilliant' oral surgeon who has done 1000 (some on actual human beings!), and that he, the younger dentist will then take over again.  The dentist, Dr. Siddhartha Sachdeva (I like his first name- it has a kind of nirvana-like Buddhist ring to it!), informed Tomiyo and I that they will use stem cells from the tendon of a baby calf and ground-up bone from a corpse, to reinforce the jaw and increase the gum tissue healing etc.  He asked me if I had any religious or moral objections to this or if I was a follower of Sarah Palin.  I nixed the latter for obvious reasons, and told him that if the stem-cells from the baby calf were from an Indian holy cow and if the bone material was from a Hindu who believed in reincarnation, I had no objections.  He assured me that the materials used would be US FDA approved, but that he could not vouch for the 'spiritual' benefits to be derived from 'holy cows and hindu corpses'.

In any event, the oral surgeon will implant the sockets and the gum will be stitched over it for a couple of months, to allow healing while we are on the road in southeast Asia.  Before returning to the US in May, the dentist will open it all up again, screw in the teeth, attach the whole mess together and it will onward and upward with Qatar Air back to the US.  (Incidentally, we found Qatar to be a very good airline.  I counted 14 stewardesses boarding in Dulles, who waited on everybody hand and foot.  The free drinks also help one forget about the discomfort of 14 hours flights and time spent staring into fog on the runway at Indira Gandhi Airport, where flights are being cancelled left, right, and center due to fog.  Ain't modern life grand?)

The Electric Mule - reporting for duty, Sir - soon to be reconstituted with a full set of chompers!  The better to bite you with, Sir!

No more hauling borax in a 20 mule team in Death Valley for this half-breed rabble-rouser!